I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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