I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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