dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
