operation harelip BJ is a go
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
