M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
