What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize