Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
