I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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