i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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