haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just invented taco cereal.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
