yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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