Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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