In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
