Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
worst night to have a conscience
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
