she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
