you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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