grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
