Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize