You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
