we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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