I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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