I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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