i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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