so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
