Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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