I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
