Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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