whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
