WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
