what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize