I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
