She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
