Welp...herpes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
