Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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