I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
