So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
