Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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