If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
