I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
