you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
