I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
