he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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