I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
