I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
