If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
