She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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