I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
