I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
