those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
