you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
