Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
