i think my mom watched the whole time
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
