My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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