i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
