the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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