I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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