im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
