Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
